Monday 24 March 2014

WEEK 8 REPORT

TIPSTERMANIA 18 WEEK 8 REPORT

AFTER EIGHT, MINT!
Preccy presses on

KILL BILL
Dave dies (half) a thousand deaths

MOTHERF*CKER!
Di another day


Picture the scene.  The Wheatsheaf pub, Sutton Leach.   A handful of middle-aged men and an 18 year old lad sit in the bar.  One of the TVs is showing Channel 4 racing, the other, Soccer Saturday.

3:07pm
“Oh f*ck off Coventry!” spits one of the men, a fresh-faced fellow for a man of his advancing years.  He’s already had Chelsea 17/20 win for him in the early kick-off, but feels that all is now lost.

3.11pm
“F*ck off Kilmarnock!  That’s my bet down the sh*tter already”, opines the same hapless chap.  “Don’t be daft, it’s early days yet.  There’s loaaaaads of time to go”, offers the consoling voice of one his oldest and most long-suffering friends.

3.20pm
Brentford 2 Coventry 1.  “See, I told you Brentford 11/20 would turn it around” says the old, bearded friend.

3.36pm
“F*CK OFF WATFORD!!!  I’ve got no f*cking chance this week”, whines our hero.  “Nonsense, it’s still early days yet!” consoles his uncharacteristically optimistic mate.

HALF TIME
Wigan 21/20 have equalized against Watford.  Aberdeen 8/13 have also levelled versus Killie.  Burnley 17/10 are beating Charlton, Man City 1/7 are one up and Brentford are still cruising.

4.20pm
“Get in!”  Wigan take the lead and Burnley extend theirs within minutes of each other.

4.30pm
“GET IN!”  Our man is now riding his seat like a young Tony McCoy as Aberdeen score a decisive second.  “Hey, I’m up in every match now, with just United to come!”. 



4.50pm
Final score.  He’s right, they’ve all won.

The next 40 minutes seemed like an eternity, as we sat waiting for his beloved Man Utd 4/5 to kick off.  None of us knew how much his bet was worth if United obliged, but it felt big. 

5.37pm
“F*CKING GET IN!!!”  Rooney’s wonder-goal sends the now full bar into rapture and our hero into paroxysms of delight.

As you may have guessed by now, the bearded samaritan was your own correspondent and the role of the unfounded pessimist was played to perfection by Mr PAUL “I want City to beat United on Tuesday so that Liverpool don’t win the League” PRESCOTT.   The lousy get added £184.60 to last week’s win and put himself into 2nd spot in the table and a lovely day was had by all.  Oh no, hang on a minute, that’s not right.  I almost forgot.  For two of us, it was gut-wrenchingly, cock-punchingly ball-bustingly bloody awful.

I’ve met DAVE BILL and he’s a very nice chap.  I’ve also met my Mum and she’s much the same, only female.  God knows what they’ve done to deserve the wretched luck that befell them both this week.  Dave doesn’t seem the sort of bloke to kill black cats and I’m fairly sure that my Mum has never run over a nun.  Unlike my Dad.  Brer Bill’s bet was a proper thinking-man’s effort.  Pick five players who take most of their team’s penalties and/or free kicks and do them as “anytime scorers”.  An inspired move.  Hazard, Baines, Yaya Toure and Rooney all did the honours, some more than once.  Only one man let him down.  His side scored 6, but he couldn’t manage a single one, costing Dave £534.00.  As if all right-thinking people needed any more reason to detest Steven “point my thumbs at the name of the back of my shirt like a spasticated Fonz” Gerrard.  What a MASSIVE C.  As for my Mum, who, of course, is entirely blameless in this farrago, “she” got 7 ½ out of 8 correct, with only Bolton’s draw to blame for losing her £540 and top spot in the table.  I blame that insufferable cock Vernon Kaye.  And Gibbo’s mate, Paddy McGuinness.  And Preccy.

Still, it could be worse.  I could be Arsene Wenger.

Keep smiling

LAW





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Sunday 2 March 2014

Week 5 Leaderboard

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 3 WEEK 4 WEEK 5 WEEK 6 WEEK 7 WEEK 8 WEEK 9 WEEK 10 TOTAL
GUY RONALD £17.00 £313.12 £330.12
ASHLEY RANKIN £225.00 £225.00
LIAM McDERMOTT £76.50 £76.50
IAN MILBURN £74.43 £74.43
IAN WILKINSON £63.04 £63.04
DAVE CHESWORTH £6.95 £56.07 £63.02
MICHAEL GOODLET £57.50 £57.50
CHRIS CARTER 2 £32.50 £32.50
MATTY DAVIES £25.00 £25.00
BOB BAKER £12.44 £11.52 £23.96
CHRIS KNIGHT £21.53 £21.53
TONY METCALF £15.62 £15.62
NIGEL  THOMAS £15.41 £15.41
JONATHAN WAKEFIELD £14.00 £14.00
STEVE HUGHES £8.67 £8.67
PAUL PRESCOTT £8.55 £8.55
ROB WHITBY £8.53 £8.53
LISA BARBER £0.00
PETER BARRETT £0.00
DAVE BILL £0.00
PHIL BIRCH £0.00
PAUL BREESE £0.00
TOM BROCKLEBANK £0.00
CHRIS CARTER 1 £0.00
NEIL COOPER £0.00
CARL DAVIES 1 £0.00
CARL DAVIES 2 £0.00
JOHN DUFFY £0.00
STEVE EDGELEY £0.00
ROB FOSTER £0.00
PAUL GARNETT £0.00
STE GARNETT £0.00
ALAN GIBBS £0.00
DANNY HARDMAN £0.00
PAUL HEYES £0.00
MICHAEL HOWARD £0.00
PHIL JONES £0.00
PAUL KELLY £0.00
MATT LAMB £0.00
PHIL MANNING £0.00
CHRISTINE MARSH £0.00
LEE MARSH £0.00
STE  MARSH £0.00
JON McCAULEY £0.00
STEVE McVITIE £0.00
STEVE MENARRY £0.00
COLIN METCALFE £0.00
ANDREW MOORE £0.00
ALBERT MOUSDELL £0.00
MIKE NAGY £0.00
MIKE NICKLIN £0.00
MARTIN PRICE £0.00
ANDREW SKINNER £0.00
JASON THOMAS £0.00
JULIE THOMPSON £0.00
MARK THOMPSON £0.00
SIMON THURSFIELD £0.00
JAMIE TURNER £0.00
BEKY WAKEFIELD £0.00
KAREN WALSH £0.00
MARTIN WALSH £0.00
DIANE WEBSTER £0.00
DAVE WHITE £0.00
GRACE WHITEHEAD £0.00
JACOB WHITEHEAD £0.00
STEPHEN WILCOCK £0.00
JOSH WILKINSON £0.00
ALAN WITHE £0.00
CHRIS WOODHEAD £0.00
MIKE WOODHEAD £0.00
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Week 5 Report

TIPSTERMANIA 18 WEEK 5 REPORT

RANKIN AND RONALD RULE THE ROOST
Record returns wreck it

WILKINSON’S DROP IN THE OCEAN
Ian in the money

WHITBY’S WIN’S A WEE ONE
Doesn’t exactly the bank

Well that’s torn it.

Every time I see one of these ridiculous roll-ups being picked I can’t help but shake my head a little in patronising mockery, chuckling internally at the crazy, mixed-up fools and their misguided optimism, which is a trait I certainly don’t share.  So who’s laughing now?  Not me, that’s for sure. 

I was astonished to see that GUY RONALD had the audacity and sheer bloody-mindedness to pick Rangers 1/7 again this week after what they inflicted upon him the last time when Stenhousmuir equalised with a late penalty.  This time, the Light Blues were awarded a very debatable and very late penalty of their own and won 1-0.  One down, ten to go.

Those who didn’t get the chance to watch the racing will have missed just how eventful the 3.15 Newb was.  At the 2nd last hurdle, five horses met it within a length of each other. Jumps Road 13/2 was last of the group, nearest to the outside rail.  To the inside, the leading horse fell, taking the one next to it down in the process when it was travelling smoothly.  The next horse to clear the flight then tripped over the fallers in a very amusing fashion.  It all left the first horse of ASHLEY RANKIN’s double with a much easier task, and it stayed on nicely to do the honours.    One down, one to go.

At this point, I owe my dear friend Alan Gibbs an apology.  I may inadvertently led him to believe that his horse won the 3.30 at Donny and then, in a fit of panic, reported on social media that he had got a double up when his other one won the 3.50 at Newbury to ruin everyone’s lives.  It turns out that he had picked Real Milan when it was Night In Milan that actually won.  I texted him in between the races to express my “delight” that he had a sweat on.  He replied that he was at a quiz event and had taped the racing to watch when he got home and didn’t want me to spoil it for him.  So, when mistake was subsequently pointed out on Twitter by Ste Garnett, I thought it best to keep the “bad” news to myself.  Imagine how upset I was when he texted me at 10.00pm, expressing his disappointment at being led down a garden path so strewn with the dog-turds of despair.  I think I’ve finally stopped laughing now, but typing this has started me off again. 

The 4.25 Newb was the next one to watch, just in case the 14/1 outsider of the field, Headly’s Bridge, could provide some bona fide excitement.  As I watched the race in The Shed in Annan, the finest sports bar in the United Kingdom (for now), I kicked myself for not backing it, as I had done the second one of Gibbo’s.  I forgot to mention that to him last night.  He’ll be revolted to know that I profited from his misfortune, which has just set me off laughing again.  It’s hard work typing with tears in your eyes.  It didn’t look like I had missed the boat 4 fences out, but as they rounded the turn, I bet Ash moved forward in his chair and felt his pulse increase as his horse closed up, travelling sweetly.  If there is anyone who wonders why us gamblers keep going back to the losing well time and again, it’s that feeling that gets you every time.  There’s nothing else like it, that feeling of sweet anticipation.  Well, there’s that other thing, I suppose, but you can very rarely win money at that.   As they approached the 2nd last fence, his lad had a length lead over his nearest challenger, who was going just as well.  That is until it took a crashing fall, leaving Ash’s home and hosed.  The manner it cleared away from the last fence told me that it would’ve won anyway, but Ash certainly has those two obstacles to thank for helping him to the biggest Tipster win for many a year, £225.00.

And then Stoke were awarded a penalty. 

The Shed has at least a dozen TVs, some bigger than others.  Two of them constantly show the racing channels, even on Xmas Day.  On a Saturday, the landlord ignores all known law and shows as many football matches as he can lay his electronic hands on, although the Everton game wasn’t one, unfortunately.  From my speck, sat with Nic, her Dad and the other old gamblers, I could see the Chelsea game, ignore the Celtic one and keep half an eye on the Arsenal.   As it happens, I’d backed the filthy anti-Semites in my own coupon, even though I despise them.  Never again.  I’m no fan of Stoke 17/4 either, unlike Guy Ronald.  I get the feeling he’s a local lad a life-long fan.  It must be nice, therefore, for him to enjoy some thick to go with the thin he must’ve suffered all his years.  As his other nine picks, Chelsea, Everton, Leicester, Wolves, Leyton Orient, Braintree, Motherwell, Celtic and Dundee were all odds-on shots, I was far from sure if Guy’s return would be enough to overtake Ash.  But, having crunched the numbers, I can exclusively reveal that the pot looks like going to the Potteries as Guy’s acca scored him a magnificent £313.12.  When you stick that with his Week 1 win it puts him over £100.00 to the good.  Well done, me duck.

Given the above, it hardly seems worth the effort of adding up the other wins, but you never know it might make all the difference come Week 10.  Yeah, right.

IAN WILKINSON’s win would have been big news any other week and he deserves just as much credit as the big-hitters, though you can’t spend credit here.  His five-timer of Chelsea, Newcastle, Brighton, Leicester and Ipswich was a cracker and puts him in to 5th place with a bullet.  Better than a head-butt from that cocksplash Alan Pardew.

Last, and definitely least, is ROB WHITBY.  Flying firmly in the face of fearlessness, he took no chances with his odds-on acca of Chelsea, Leicester, Celtic, Borrusia Dortmund and Vitesse.  It may be a bridge too far for him now, as £8.53 is barely his bus fare home.

There were a couple of hard luck stories, notably Bob Baker, but let’s be honest, we’re all losers here.

So that’s Week 5 in the record books.  In the words of the late Roy Castle, desperation’s what you need.  Think on, when you’re that far behind you need snookers, you’re not going to get there with easy reds.  Go for the difficult brown.

Keep smiling

LAW


PS – I’m still laughing


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Tuesday 25 February 2014

Week 4 - The Dark Knight Rises

Good morning Maniacs

There's always one, and this week it's Chris Knight.

He belatedly but correctly pointed out this morning that he got a football six-timer up.  Thankfully, just like the other winners, he chose short ones so he only gets £21.53.

Let this serve as a reminder to all of you that it is your responsibility to shout up when you've had a winner.  

By the way, there is a horse running today in the 2.10 at Leicester that I like at a decent price.  It's called Faith Keeper.  Seems apt.


LAW
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Week 4 Scoreboard

WEEK 1 WEEK 2 WEEK 3 WEEK 4 WEEK 5 WEEK 6 WEEK 7 WEEK 8 WEEK 9 WEEK 10 TOTAL
LIAM McDERMOTT £76.50 £76.50
IAN MILBURN £74.43 £74.43
DAVE CHESWORTH £6.95 £56.07 £63.02
MICHAEL GOODLET £57.50 £57.50
CHRIS CARTER 2 £32.50 £32.50
MATTY DAVIES £25.00 £25.00
BOB BAKER £12.44 £11.52 £23.96
CHRIS KNIGHT £21.53 £21.53
GUY RONALD £17.00 £17.00
TONY METCALF £15.62 £15.62
NIGEL  THOMAS £15.41 £15.41
JONATHAN WAKEFIELD £14.00 £14.00
STEVE HUGHES £8.67 £8.67
PAUL PRESCOTT £8.55 £8.55
LISA BARBER £0.00
PETER BARRETT £0.00
DAVE BILL £0.00
PHIL BIRCH £0.00
PAUL BREESE £0.00
TOM BROCKLEBANK £0.00
CHRIS CARTER 1 £0.00
NEIL COOPER £0.00
CARL DAVIES 1 £0.00
CARL DAVIES 2 £0.00
JOHN DUFFY £0.00
STEVE EDGELEY £0.00
ROB FOSTER £0.00
PAUL GARNETT £0.00
STE GARNETT £0.00
ALAN GIBBS £0.00
DANNY HARDMAN £0.00
PAUL HEYES £0.00
MICHAEL HOWARD £0.00
PHIL JONES £0.00
PAUL KELLY £0.00
MATT LAMB £0.00
PHIL MANNING £0.00
CHRISTINE MARSH £0.00
LEE MARSH £0.00
STE  MARSH £0.00
JON McCAULEY £0.00
STEVE McVITIE £0.00
STEVE MENARRY £0.00
COLIN METCALFE £0.00
ANDREW MOORE £0.00
ALBERT MOUSDELL £0.00
MIKE NAGY £0.00
MIKE NICKLIN £0.00
MARTIN PRICE £0.00
ASHLEY RANKIN £0.00
STEVE SHERRATT £0.00
KEVIN SIMPSON £0.00
ANDREW SKINNER £0.00
JASON THOMAS £0.00
JULIE THOMPSON £0.00
MARK THOMPSON £0.00
SIMON THURSFIELD £0.00
JAMIE TURNER £0.00
BEKY WAKEFIELD £0.00
KAREN WALSH £0.00
MARTIN WALSH £0.00
DIANE WEBSTER £0.00
ROB WHITBY £0.00
DAVE WHITE £0.00
GRACE WHITEHEAD £0.00
JACOB WHITEHEAD £0.00
STEPHEN WILCOCK £0.00
IAN WILKINSON £0.00
JOSH WILKINSON £0.00
ALAN WITHE £0.00
CHRIS WOODHEAD £0.00
MIKE WOODHEAD £0.00

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Week 4 Report


TIPSTERMANIA 18 WEEK 4 REPORT

THAT GET CARTER
CC seizes the day

MONKEY OFF METCALF’S BACK
Five-timer swings Tony into top 10

WE HIT THE BAR!
And other tales of woe


Maniacs, one and all.

Good form dictates that I structure these reports around the week’s success stories, congratulating those of you blessed with the good fortune to have picked a winner, giving them top-billing and working my way down the list.  Trouble is, this week, all the good stuff will be at the bottom of the glass, which was half empty to begin with.

My oldest friend CHRIS CARTER was the biggest winner of Week 4.  That’s not to say that he’s geriatric, more that I’ve known him since before I can now recall.  His Dad, Bert, won this very thing a few years back and has passed his canny knack down to his son and heir.  Chris won’t be scooping the pot in one go, though.  His horse treble of Balder Succes 9/4, Irving 4/6 and Aqalim 2/1 only gets him £32.50, but it puts him in 5th spot and nicely placed for as we come towards the halfway stage.

The funny thing about the next couple of winners, and I use the words “funny” and “winners” in the most generous of senses, is that they both managed to successfully convert a five-timer, which is a rare feat indeed, whilst barely troubling the winnings column.  Firstly, TONY METCALF, a first time winner, put Arsenal 4/11, Man City 2/11 and Man Utd 8/13 together with the aforementioned Irving and another odds-on fav Monkey Kingdom 4/5 to collect the paltry sum of £15.62.  Well done, Tony. 

Then NIGEL “I’m not a funny man” THOMAS, who has never knowingly been confused with Evel Knievel, trod his usual risk-free path by picking the same low-hanging fruit of Arsenal and Man City, with Chelsea 8/13, Derby 17/20 and Leicester 3/5.  Not even Nige can make £15.41 look interesting.

Your next low-roller is BOB BAKER, who now has a 50% strike rate following his win in Week 1.  Sadly for him, his chances of winning the whole thing appear significantly less than that if he keeps picking short-priced trebles like Preston Evens, Orient 4/5 and Derby 3/5, which paid out just £11.52.  Slow and steady may win the race, but it rarely wins Tipstermania.

The next pair didn’t even break double figures, the crazy fools.  PAUL “Careful now” PRESCOTT had two winners and a non-runner in a treble so I suppose I should cut him a small amount of slack.  Lord knows I’ve given him enough grief over the years, most of which he’s deserved, but the £8.55 he got from On His Own 11/8 and Grandeur 4/5 would hardly have rolled-up into anything significant had the other one won.  He is a two-time champion, though, so I suppose he knows what he’s doing, although if you’d seen him sauntering after the scorecard (mine) that he dropped yesterday at the golf, barely breaking out of a stroll as it blew, in short bursts, a full 50 yards into a pond, you wouldn’t back him in a sprint finish.

Our final success required a jeweller’s eye-piece to find. I will be gentle with STE “father of Lee” MARSH because, let’s face it, he’s suffered enough already.  On top of the their Lee and being a fellow Evertonian, he’s had his own struggle with cancer.  So I won’t knock him as hard as I could have for choosing Arsenal, Man City and Chelsea for a piffling £3.81.  It’s all in a good cause and thanks for joining in, Ste.

None of the above will be shedding any tears for the rest of us, expect from laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of what you are about the read.

There were so many hard luck stories this week I’m expecting Noel Edmonds to turn up in his helicopter soon and send us all to Lapland.   I was going to regale you with the full horror of my own misfortune, but the pain is still too raw.  It’s all on Twitter and Facebook anyway.  It’s like Anne Franks diary if she had been locked in a bookies, only with less laughs.  One after another of us got a sweat on, only to be molested by the fickle fist of fate, and not in a good way.

My thoughts at this difficult are with Michael Howard (3rd horse in a treble beaten 3/4L), Chris Woodhead (4 from 5 acca), Alan Withe (5 from 6) and Guy Ronald, who managed a magnificent 7 from 8, with his loser being Rangers at 1/12!  What’s that, it serves him right for picking such a pathetically short-priced fav?  How dare you pick on my fellow sufferer, you heartless wretch!  (You’re absolutely right, by the way). 

So it’s back to the drawing board for Week 5.  I’m to sleep, perchance to dream of that elusive winner.  I just it’s not about Anne Frank in Noel Edmonds helicopter, chasing Prec into a lake.

Keep smiling

LAW




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Tuesday 4 February 2014

Week 1 Extra - Stragglers and shame

My dear Maniacs.

Last night's report woke a couple of stragglers up to the fact they had backed winners.  They both want ragging for being late, but as it's Week 1 I'll cut them an inch of slack.

Matthew Davies had 2 winners (6/4 & 4/1) and a non-runner in a horse treble, giving him £25.00.  Steve Hughes had three football matches postponed in a 4 match acca, leaving Welling 10/3 as a single winner for £8.67.

The big story, however, is entirely down to me.  Michael Goodlet, whom I had assumed until recently was Mick Nagy's alter ego, had a five match football roll-up come in.  He did everything right and shouted up on Twitter.  I completely missed it.  Not only that, I slated him this morning for being a ne'er-do-well, only to find that it was all my fault.   His picks were Soton 23/20, Cardiff 23/20, Wigan 8/13, Blackburn 3/4 & Leicester 6/5, putting him in 2nd place with a handsome £57.50.

I've let him down and I've let you all down.  I fully expect Joe Kinnear to be given my job later today.  After all, it was all down to Newcastle really.

LAW

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